Final Summer Recap (via mobile upload)

At some point in late July, I got a Blackberry to replace my aging Sprint 6700. I could do an entire post on why I love this Blackberry, but they're not paying me to endorse their product on my blog, and besides, who needs another product recommendation?

Instead, I'm going to post some of the many photos I've taken with my Blackberry. A picture is worth a thousand words, but I'll add a few so you know what you're looking at.

We've enjoyed taking bike rides with the boys this summer. I'm afraid next summer this cart won't fit the two of them.


There's a decent indoor playground in southwest Lincoln called Lost In Fun. Ballrooms, sandboxes, toys, huge bounce houses, swings, bubbles, etc. Perfect for a rainy day, which was why we ended up here on a Sunday afternoon.


Tracie finds the most creative ways to keep the boys entertained. Isn't she awesome?!?


We bought Cole a vest, tie, shirt, and pants for a wedding in August. Here he modeled the clothes for me, since I wasn't on the shopping trip.


My dad got a new compound bow and I wanted to try it out. These shots were done right-handed (I'm a lefty), so I was impressed with how easy it was to aim and shoot this bow.


On our way out to Colorado in August for a wedding, we followed this guy. Sheesh.


A quick picture of my lovely wife. We were at Mona Lisa, a fondue restaurant in Manitou Springs, CO. Their downstairs area is called "The Wine Cellar." There we enjoyed chocolate fondue and wine with Tracie's sister Aimee, and soon-to-be husband and wife Mike and Annie. It was kind of the "bachelor/bachelorette" party.


Prior to the wedding ceremony, Cole and cousin Gwennan fidget in their nuptial attire.


Cole nearly lost it when I wouldn't let him break into the dinner mints before the ceremony. Instead, he stared at them and held his hand within inches of them, thereby not disobeying, but coming as close as possible.


We enjoyed a fantastic reception, and the boys and Gwennan danced most of the night away. They were like little Energizer bunnies: they just kept going. Following are pictures of dancing...





Here is "Best Man" Tracie with the Groom, Mike. I'm so excited for Mike and his new wife Annie as they begin their lives as Dr. and Mrs. Akerley. We were blessed to be present for their wedding, and doubly blessed to have Tracie and Cole in the ceremony.


The day after the wedding, we worshipped at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. I've enjoyed their services both times I've attended here. This time Glenn Packiam led worship. He's written a few songs I love, like "Your Name," and "We Lift You Up."


Sunday night Dad and I drove a treacherous (seriously) road up to the trailhead for Grays and Torreys Peaks. We woke Monday and started up the trail, and soon the above sight of the two peaks was in view.


Here's the view of Torreys while standing atop Grays. I love, love, love to hike like this. Standing on top of a 14er is a humbling, satisfying, spiritual experience.


Dad and I atop Grays. This is the third hike for us in as many summers. If only we could get Ben to join us again!


Looking back at Grays from Torreys. Torreys was the tougher climb, but it was worth it. For anyone keeping track, Thursday morning driving into Colorado Springs, fondue Thursday night, wedding Saturday, church Sunday, and hiking Monday, back in NE Monday night. Whew!


A day later, here's a spider found in the auditorium of our church. I put a quarter next to it for scale. These things were all over the place at our church this summer! I hate spiders...


A week after being in Colorado, I was in California. Our church was visiting another church to meet with their staff and learn from them. The worship pastor took all of us to Yosemite National Park, home of some incredible redwoods.


These trees were so tall. It's hard to capture it, especially with a camera phone.


This (above and below pics) is "Grizzly Giant," the oldest Giant Sequoia in Yosemite. It stands over 200 feet tall, and it's estimated to be at least 2000 years old! Can you imagine? This tree was around when Jesus walked the earth!


This is Half Dome. I'm going to climb it someday.


We didn't know if we were going to be able to visit Yosemite because of some forest fires in the park. In the end, they opened the park (at least the area we were in). Here's a view of one of the fires across a valley.


Worship at Clovis Baptist Church. It was pretty good, but this was the second week away from New Cov, and I was missing my church family by now.


For the NU v. Florida Atlantic game, my family went to watch the victory with my Uncle Lyle and Aunt Shirley. Shirley pulled out an old recording of my Grandpa Welstead, playing guitar, singing, and even yodeling. It was amazing.


Aunt Shirley also pulled out Grandpa's old Martin guitar. I found the serial number and it was produced in 1930, just 12 years after Martin went into business. It's pretty badly broken, but I wonder if it could be restored? Anyone an expert on this sort of thing?


One night in September, Jack simply decided he was going to learn to pedal his trike. It was incredible. He kept stopping and trying to start again. He's fiercely independent right now, but eventually he let me give him a little nudge to keep starting him again. Then he started to figure out how to do it himself. But even after he had it figured out, he kept stopping and starting, stopping and starting. I think he wanted to make sure he had it figured out. And he did!


Though we didn't go to the NU v. Arkansas State game, we did go to Husker Nation for something fun to do. New Cov always sets up a booth to paint faces and spraypaint hair. Cole got his head turned into a helmet.


After Husker Nation, we went to a new favorite hangout: Rocket Fizz. They have about every variety of pop you could imagine, and a wide variety of candy, too. You should check it out! We've enjoyed Birch Beer, Chai Cola, and several different kinds of root beer, among others.


This last one just about catches us up to present. It's technically a fall picture. I rarely think, "Hey, I'd really like to fly a kite for a while." But I'm always glad when the thought occurs.

Summer Recap #4

In July and August I attended what was probably one of the last two big conferences I'll attend for quite a while. Every year since I began my full-time ministry, I've attended at least one, usually two, and sometimes three conferences per year. I've been to the Willow Creek Leadership Summit 5 times, the Willow Creek Arts conference 4 times, and the National Worship Leader Conference twice.

Now, I know some of you, my friends, tend to look down on conferences -- worship conferences in particular. You've got your reasons, I'm sure, and if you'd care to share, I'd love to discuss the topic with you. For me, worship conferences have been a great source of inspiration, a place to share ideas with other worship leaders, a team-building experience (I've brought anywhere from 2 to 6 people with me at times), and a way to gain a few more "tools" for my belt. They've been a help to a guy who jumped heart-first into worship ministry without going to seminary. I think everyone in ministry should attend a few conferences that vary in what they offer, if only to see what else is out there. We can become very narrow-minded and proud of our own expression of worship if we're not careful. Worship conferences can open us to other ideas that are Biblical and God-honoring, but outside our own tradition or comfort level or experience.

This conference was no exception. In fact, it has started me on a new path that I'm so excited about. This particular conference was the National Worship Leader Worship Conference. I've been to it once before, and I've noticed some big differences between it and the Willow conferences I've attended. Por ejemplo...

Willow Creek Arts Conference. Pros: big on arts, excellence, creativity, inspiration, tools, contemporary focus. Cons: leaves many churches behind in its approach. Examples of what I've seen and heard: Dan Kimball, Sally Morgenthaler, Hillsong United, Darlene Zschech, Delirious, Don Miller, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder* Band, Josh Wilson, drum corps, dance, child prodigy violinist, and a whole lot of great breakouts.

Willow Creek Leadership Summit. Pros: big on leadership, brings in incredible speakers, simulcast so it's less expensive and easy to get to. Cons: worship component has been decreasing over the past couple of years, atmosphere at a satellite site is not as great. Examples of what I've seen and heard: Colin Powell, Bono, Andy Stanley, Patrick Lencioni, Marcus Buckingham, John Maxwell, Timothy Keller, Wess Stafford.

National Worship Leader Conference. Pros: big on theology of worship, Biblical wisdom, brings in a lot of well-known worship leaders and speakers. Cons: mostly music and speaking (not as many creative elements like dance, visual art, etc.), feels a little like a tradeshow at times, embraces the contemporary Christian music scene without exclusion. Examples of what I've seen and heard: Marva Dawn, Greg Laurie, Leonard Sweet, Tommy Walker, Paul Baloche, Big Daddy Weave, Leeland, David Crowder* Band, David Nasser, Mac Powell, Christy Nockels, Laura Story, Ross Parsley.

So, this time around, the NWLC knocked my socks off. More importantly, it reminded me of something that's been on the back burner for a while. I deeply desire to learn more of the theology of worship, the Biblical standard and model for worship in the church, the history of church worship, and the best way to approach worship ministry to help our churches follow Christ today and tomorrow. I was reminded of this hunger I have. In fact, one of the speakers that I listened to in a breakout session teaches at the Robert E. Webber Institute for Worship Studies. I've been looking at this school for a while. After hearing one of their faculty at NWLC, and after talking with him afterwards, I decided to again look seriously at the IWS program.

Long story short (too late), today I got an email from the Director of Admissions at IWS. I'm starting my Master's in Worship Studies degree in January. I'm extremely excited about this. In some ways, it's going to amp up my conference experiences: a variety of topics from a variety of faculty amidst students like me from a variety of denominational backgrounds. It should be eye-opening and challenging. In other ways, this is going to far surpass my conference experiences: from phone conversations I've had with IWS alumni, this will deepen and enrich my walk with Christ and the way I lead others to Him.

I can't wait to start this journey, and I pray God uses it for His glory and His kingdom! So long, conferences... for now.

Iron Sharpening Iron, a.k.a. The Dullness of Men

Continuing the recap of my summer and absence from blogging, we move to the middle of July. Each year I get together with 8 other guys for a weekend of hilarity and stupidity, conversation and conundrum, pyromania and pyrosis. We call it The Huntin' Trip, though we never really go hunting. But the idea is to reconnect with friends, to create some lifelong memories, and to do stupid stuff that would probably embarrass our wives. One guy plans the trip and keeps it a secret until we're all about to depart, and then the adventure begins.


Adventures in Iowa, a.k.a. Idiots Out Wandering Around
This year Pete (Hunter nickname Jablooter) planned the trip, and we found ourselves heading to Des Moines, which is French for "the Moines." Here's my Huntin Trip 09 Top Nine:

#9 - We posed in front of the birthplace of John Wayne, trying to look tough. He was born in Winterset. After stopping in Winterset for gas, we noticed signs pointing to the house where he lived, a few blocks away. We walked to it, took a pic, and scared off a stray cat who thought he should be in the photo. Yup. We're tough, all right. In this shot, we're eating ice cream. Tough as nails, we are.

#8 - We stayed in yurts, which are somewhere between a teepee and a cabin. Wood floor, framed cloth walls and ceiling. They look bizarre, but it was much nicer than sleeping on the ground and much cheaper than getting hotel rooms.

#7 - We enjoyed billiards and microbrews at Raccoon River Brewing Company. My favorite was the Tallgrass Light. It had a unique punch of flavor about 4 seconds after you sipped it.

#6 - We saw David Crowder* Band in concert. They rocked, as usual. Key-tar, Rock Band controller, "witty" banter, and some great worship time. Two days later, I saw them in concert again, at the National Worship Leader Conference. More on that in my next post.

#5 - We geeked out with a game called Talisman. I almost won, but then Donnie, as the Swordsman, got through the tombs of the Vampires on the third level, and onto the Tower of Power, and, since he had more health points and armor, beat me soundly. At least I didn't end up a Slimy Toad. Or did I? Ribbit?

#4 - We made up a frisbee game that had no rules but kept us occupied and laughing for around 30 minutes. There might have been 2 teams, or not, and the goal seemed to be using the frisbees to knock a water bottle off the grill. And a member of each quasi-team was charged with crouching near the grill and retrieving frisbees for their team. We never kept score (we didn't know how), but I think it was a close game. It ended when Pete took a disc golf frisbee to the lip.

#3 - Golf. I never enjoyed golf, but when you're playing a best-ball scramble, it's pretty fun. My first drive surprised me! It got pretty near the green. The rest of my shots didn't surprise me at all. We were pretty good at losing balls, so one of the guys brought a sack of golf balls. As you might guess, nine grown men can have a field day of jokes with that one. Wait a minute... 9 guys, 9 holes of golf, 2009... it's almost 9/9/09, but sillier.

#2 - We ate barbecue at the Des Moines Ribfest. That was some good eatin'. Except the Australian booth. It was like half-boiled pork with no sauce and little seasoning. Gross. My favorite came from a group from Chicago. We tried some deep-fried twinkies for dessert. We listened to a Beatles cover band and reminisced over the Huntin' Trip of 2007, when we watched another Beatles cover band in Branson. Then, since this was the final destination/activity before heading home, we hopped in the vans and headed back west.

#1 - Mark (Hunter nickname Trillsnog) jumped the fire. The first night we started a camp fire with the intention of roasting foodstuffs and burning things. Then the dares started up, and before long we were all jumping the fire: trying special tricks, carrying things with us, and "one-upping" each other way past the point of sane behavior. The best moment, though, was when Mark, tin suitcase in hand, jumped the fire and Chris (I think) got a picture of it. This one will go down in the books as the greatest Huntin' Trip picture of all time (so far).

So there are some highlights from a great weekend with buddies. This was the ninth (I think) trip we've taken. I skipped the first one, and skipped the 2004 trip, so I've been on 7 of these. And now it's something I won't miss. Some of these guys I've known since high school, some since college, some I've just met going on the trips. But all of us have become fast friends. I wish we lived closer together so we could hang out more often. For now, I just look forward to the trip each year. Every year I come back with a new set of memories, from fun (and sometimes dangerous) activities like sky-diving or canoeing, to great conversations over a cigar or a morning devotion, to running jokes that are funnier every year (tin suitcase, US Petrolon, and gat-a-lat, to name a few).

Guys should hang out with other guys. The camaraderie of men is something that can't be reproduced in the marriage relationship, at work, or online. These guys challenge me and make me a better man. And I hope I challenge them, too. Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." I find that to be true with this bunch of guys.


6:00 AM Sharpening, a.k.a. Godliness at an Ungodly Hour
Today I attended the second weekly meeting of a bunch of guys at my church. We're going through a study called Men's Fraternity. Its foundation is Biblical, but so far it's been a study focused on what authentic manhood looks like. I'm enjoying it. At the same time, it's shown a few challenges already. Sorry to be stereotypical, but I've heard over the years that women can be fickle, two-faced, and inauthentic in relationships. This might be true in many cases, but I'm seeing in this group that men also have barriers to authentic and healthy relationships: insecurity, bull-headedness, pride. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out over the course of 26 weeks.

There's around 45 guys in the study right now. How many of us will "man up" to the challenge of sticking with it? How many will actually take the material to heart to be a better husband, a better father, a better man? I'm praying for these guys, and I hope they're praying for me. It's awesome to see that many men trying to figure this out together. It'll be even more awesome (I think) to see what God does through us.

I'm sure I'll post more of what I'm seeing and learning as the study continues. If you're a man in Lincoln interested in Men's Fraternity, you're welcome to join us. Email me for more information.

By the way, the pics from this post were shamelessly copied from Trillsnog's and Jablooter's Facebook albums. Thanks, guys.

A Long Trip to Nashville

In July Tracie and I drove to Nashville to spend 24 hours there. Here's the story...

“Hi, my name is – hey, look, a bird!”
What’s your favorite distraction? I like crosswords, or the jumble. Really, I like just about any good mental game. Brain teasers, puzzles, story problems, number patterns… I love any problem that requires me to think. If I can solve it, I feel the greatest sense of accomplishment, and then I can go back to whatever I was doing before, happy and full of myself. Here’s a recent puzzle I enjoyed solving:

You have 9 marbles. One weighs slightly more than the other eight, but you can’t tell it by looking at them. You have one of those old balances, with a pair of scales so you can compare the weight of two things. In order to find the heavier marble, what is the least number of times you will need to use the balance? I’ll put the answer at the end of this post.

Back on track... Near the end of May a friend turned me on to something happening on Derek Webb’s website. Or would that be Webbsite? Anyway, the normal site was down, there were these cryptic emails, and rumors of a game involving his upcoming release of Stockholm Syndrome. I’ve been a fan of Derek’s music for a long time, so it didn’t take much persuasion for me to get distracted. Lord knows I needed a distraction. I found a message board that helped me get up to speed, and dove into the game.

Stockholm Syndrome Scavenging.
Here’s how it worked: You followed a Twitter account to receive notification of instructions on another website that told you where to go and what “code words” to use to get an “artifact” which contained a 2-second song clip, a voucher for 2 concert tickets, and a picture clue for the next artifact. Confusing? It was for me, at first.

The song clips were then available online, and you could download them to create a controversial song that the label wanted Derek to leave off the album. It’s called “What Matters More” and contains a couple of choice 4-letter words, making it unmarketable to Christian bookstores, which is likely the label’s bread and butter.

Anyway, I kept hoping that Lincoln would end up being a location for one of the sets of instructions/artifacts. After all, Derek Webb’s brother Brandon lives here. So every time a picture clue was available, I’d open the file hoping to see a familiar Lincoln landmark. But it never happened.

Another aspect of the game was a set of videos that contained hidden audio clues. In some of them, Morse code was used to give dates, times, locations. In one of them, you had to pan the audio to the right to reveal an enigmatic description of an event. These clues pointed to an event at 7:00 on July 3, at a bar and music venue in Nashville.

Well, this was too much for me. I had to go! My lovely wife suggested we leave Cole and Jack with my parents and have a little road trip. Apparently my excitement over all of this clever marketing and hype was rubbing off on her. We made plans to drive to Nashville on July 2, stay with Eric and Danielle Peters that night, hang out in Nashville on July 3, go to Derek’s big event that night, and drive back partly that night and partly on Independence Day.

A Drive, A Donut, A Double Normalmstrog.
Now here’s where it got fun. Wednesday night, before we were to leave for Nashville, I opened the picture clue and I saw this. I recognized it as being a fountain near the Plaza in Kansas City. Kansas City is on the way to Nashville. Instructions usually were available sometime in the morning, so we suddenly started to see a chance to really get in on the game.

Sure enough, when we were still an hour from Kansas City, my phone told me that new instructions were available. Tracie and I were giddy with excitement, and the race was on! While I drove, Tracie looked up the instructions on my phone. We were to go to “The Filling Station” and ask for a Double Normalmstrog.

We had borrowed a GPS for the trip, but it couldn’t find a business with such a common name. After a few confusing phone calls, we found a listing through the Internet browser on my phone and called a number that worked:

"Hello?"



"Hi. Um... is this a coffeehouse?"



"Yes."



"This might be a weird question, but... have you ever heard of Derek Webb?"



"Yes!"



"Awesome. What's the address there?"



And then we were on our way. While we were en route the first 2 artifacts got nabbed, but we got there in time for the third. The owner, who was at the counter when I asked for the Double Normalmstrog, is good friends with Don and Lori Chaffer, so that's how the connection was made with The Filling Station. The owner was really excited to learn about the game. We were really excited to get tickets to Derek Webb’s upcoming tour. We also learned that the final set of instructions would be in Nashville the next day. “Hey, aren’t we going to be there then?” Yes, we were.

On our way out of Kansas City we spotted a Krispy Kreme (what luck!) and so after hitting the drive-thru there we headed across Missouri.

Where in St. Louis is the flippin’ Chick-Fil-A?!?
The only rough spot of the entire trip was the journey through St. Louis. We hit the gateway to the west around lunch time, and so we started looking for our favorite restaurant that is nowhere near Lincoln: Chick-Fil-A. We called it up on the borrowed Garmin. This was our first mistake. We ended up walking around a nearly deserted mall. Not a pleasant experience. Calling up the second nearest Chick-Fil-A on the Garmin turned out to also be our second mistake. This time we ended up in a very rough neighborhood, complete with bars on most of the windows around us, police sirens, and possibly a drug deal (“You have arrived at your destination”). Then we hit the Interstate detour on the far east side of St. Louis. We had to crawl through side streets with the rest of the detouring traffic. It took a LONG time.

Casa De Peters
We finally reached Nashville late Thursday night. We were blessed to be able to stay with Eric and Danielle Peters and family, which was a blast. Sure, I had to sleep on the couch while Tracie slept on a twin bed in the guest room, but nothing beats waking up to 3-year-old Ellis staring you in the face with that huge grin of his. Eric and Danielle also clued us in on some great things to check out for the day. And when the final set of instructions came in for Derek Webb’s little game, Danielle told us it was only a couple miles away! We didn’t get the first artifact, but Tracie got the second!

Here are the highlights from our (short) time in Nashville:

• Gruhn Guitars. A cool guitar shop. I tried several. Joyous!
• Hatch Print Shop. A very cool old-fashioned poster printer. We mentioned we were from Nebraska and they showed us a gift from a client in Murray, just miles from where my Grandpa Jacobs lives.
• Baja Burrito. I’ve heard it mentioned many a time on Eric’s blog and in the Rabbit Room. It lived up to the lore.
• Sputnik Studios. I had to find it, and it was difficult to do so. I know Mitch Dane and Andrew Osenga, but neither of them were there. Oh well. Another time, hopefully.
• Grand Ole Opry. Just had to do it, even though I care little for country music.
• Las Paletas. Delicious homemade popsicles, made fresh every day. I had blackberry lime, Tracie’s had guava in it. Unique, naturally sweet, incredibly tasty.

Paradise Is A Parking Lot
And finally, we went to the Derek Webb event. It was a viewing of a documentary film called Paradise Is A Parking Lot, made during the recording of Stockholm Syndrome. But the real show (for me) was the drama of the final stage of the game. As we watched the film, clues were coming across Twitter. “Pay attention,” the clues said. “Follow the bar code to the heart.” The bar code heart is the artwork for Stockholm Syndrome, so I didn’t think that helped. The final clue was “The bartender can see it. Make the call.” I found myself near the bar, with a couple dozen others, looking for the clue. When I found a girl wearing an armband with a heart on it, I thought I had it figured out.

“Hi. Am I… supposed to talk to you or something?”

“Did you follow the instructions?”

“Umm… I think so.”

“I’m part of the clue, but I don’t think you followed the instructions.”

Rats. Shortly after that, some guy looked underneath the bar and came up with a CD, exclaiming that he had found it! Whatever "it" was.

What we learned later was there was a poster offering English bulldogs for sale, featuring the bar code heart logo. When you called the number on poster, you were given a code, which you gave to the girl with the armband, who gave you a wristband, which was your ticket onto a van afterwards, which whisked you away to Derek’s home studio for a listening party with Derek Webb and Joshua Moore, and an advance copy of the disc. Rats.

Time to Head Out
We found out there was another listening party later on, and we went for a bit, but it turned out to be kind of a bust. We started to head out of town, but decided to get some dinner on the way. Again trying our luck with the Garmin, we were this time treated to finding a nice pizza place on the way out of Nashville. I ordered the aptly named “Flamethrower Pizza.” Wow. It featured pepperoni, sausage, yellow banana peppers, jalapeno peppers, and crushed red pepper. This thing was crazy spicy! I actually had to take breaks between bites. My mouth was on fire! It was delicious.

We traveled 4 hours north to stay in a hotel that night. We had planned on camping to save money, but my parents talked me into getting a room instead. Which turned out to be a great idea. We got in after 1:00, which would have been a terrible time to set up a tent. And we woke up to pouring rain, which would have made us very wet.

Quality Time
This might sound cheesy and maybe cliche, but the best part of the trip was the laughter, the heart to hearts, the deep discussions with my wife of 8 years. This was the closest thing to a vacation we’ve taken in a while, and it being just Tracie and I (the boys with my parents) was twice as nice. We talked about the miscarriage. We talked about the boys. We dreamed about the potential for my future in music (you can’t help it when you’re in Nashville). We debated and discussed Derek’s struggle with his record label over a naughty word. We just had a fantastic time being married and together with no real agenda and tons of time to talk.

It was a great reminder how important it is to carve out that time, how necessary it is for us married people to be intentional about being married. If we’re not careful, spouses can become roommates or worse. This trip was a shot in the arm for us.

And it was a lot of fun in a new place, besides.

The answer to the brain puzzle at the start of this post is: you need to use the scale twice. Let me know if you want to know why.

Miscarried Faith

Heads up, readers: this will be a dark post. I hope it doesn’t venture into being depressing. I’ve tried to be honest. As I update you on the rest of my absence from blogging the past few months, most of the posts will be fun to read. This one, not so much.

I’ve typed and deleted the first line of this post at least a dozen times now. It’s hard to get started. I tried simply setting this post apart from others with a contrasting statement: “Most of the past three months has been filled with excitement, growth, and health.” I tried jumping right into the subject: “May 15 was one of the worst days of my life.” I tried starting with a broad all-encompassing truth: “One of the things that links every single human being that ever was, that is now, or that will ever be is pain. We all go through pain in life.”

None of these beginnings feels right, though. It’s just a difficult topic, and no matter how I try, I can’t put a poetic spin on it. I can’t make this some poignant and profound story, because I just don’t know how it ends yet. I lived through it, and I’m continuing to live through it. Someday I might be able to look back and see the introduction, the characters, the conclusion, and the epilogue. But for now I’m still struggling to understand myself in light of this painful and trying experience.

In March we learned that Tracie was pregnant. We were very excited, obviously. It wasn’t planned, and we were surprised, and that made it all the more fun and thrilling. I had just had a conversation with a friend at church during which I said I thought we were probably done having kids, that I wasn’t ready for a third, and that God would have to tell me otherwise. And now God was telling me otherwise, and I couldn’t have been happier to hear from Him.

We shared the news with family, close friends, and the staff at church. The due date was early December, a terrible time for me with the annual Christmas program and plans. But somehow that made it all the more exciting. It seemed perfect: God was going to show us how to depend on Him and how to celebrate the birth of Christ in a special way.

But things changed in May.

Tracie called her midwife the second week in May; she was worried about some things that were happening. She went in to see her midwife on May 14, 2009. When the midwife couldn’t find the heartbeat, she sent Tracie to another office to do a special ultrasound on May 15. The ultrasound was delivered back to Tracie’s midwife while we waited to hear the results. I remember being at home when the phone rang and Tracie picked up. I was in another room with the boys, but I listened to Tracie’s side of the conversation, anticipating the worst but hopeful. Still hopeful.

When she hung up the phone, Tracie told me through tears that though our baby was around 9 weeks old, the ultrasound revealed growth of only 6 weeks. And no heartbeat. The midwife even used the word we feared the most: miscarriage.

The next 4 days are a blur. I met with Ben at a bar late one night to talk it out. I remember looking at my glass with vision blurred by tears. Tracie and I spent tons of time on the phone with family. I remember walking out to the garage to talk to my parents on the phone so the boys wouldn’t hear my sobs. My mom came to visit. The miscarriage happened the weekend following the ultrasound. On Tuesday, May 19, Tracie and I went to St. Elizabeth’s for a dilation and curettage. Tracie’s mom came to stay. I remember praying with Tracie before she went in for the procedure. I remember the unbearable wait until she was taken to a recovery room. I remember wanting to be out of that hospital so badly. On May 20, we began a long process of healing.

One of my deepest pains as Tracie’s husband is watching her cry. It’s a debilitating, crushing weight, a feeling of such helplessness that I want to give up. Through May and on through the summer there have been many times when Tracie has abandoned herself to tears, and I’ve felt such sorrow and pain and anger at the unfairness of it all that I could scream at God. I don’t care about myself, I don’t care if life takes twists and turns that leave me with a scar, or add a wrinkle to my brow. But seeing my dear Tracie or either of my dear sons in anguish is something that cuts me deeper than anything I’ve ever known. It’s palpable, the way it hurts.

I’ve always wondered how I would react to something this big. My fear was that something so heartbreaking as the death of a child, even if we never got to hold that child in our arms, would also mean the death of my faith, in a way. As I look over my life, I perceive a disproportionate amount of blessing. I’m grateful for them, to be sure. But it made me wonder if I’d fall away if the blessings were replaced with the opposite. Ever since I first came to faith in Jesus Christ, I have watched friends go through traumatic seasons of life and ordeals that I can’t even imagine. So I’ve worried what would happen if something rocked me to the core. Would I turn towards God, or would I take a step away from Him? How does one's faith survive when faced with such despair?

Fortunately, the death of our child revealed a renewed faith for me (and for Tracie, too). Though I sometimes wanted to question God through this, I more often wanted to run to Him. I found myself praying less for answers and more for strength, less for reasons and more for peace. And in the middle of this storm, I felt that peace. I saw God surrounding Tracie and I, weeping with us, supporting us, helping us stand up in the storm. I saw it in the faces of my family: my parents, my brother, my boys. I saw it in the nurses who served us, in the friends that wrote to us.

That’s not to say I don’t have a heavy heart as I write this. I’m still struggling, though the pain is much less now. I don’t know if I’ll ever see the conclusion or know “The End” of this volume of my life. I hope I do, someday. But I recognize that “someday” might be the day when Christ Himself wipes the tears from my eyes.

There's a song by Hillsong United that I've been praying often since I first heard it in June. I think it captures Revelation 21 powerfully, and it's reminded me that there's an end to the power of sin in this world. There's a day coming when Christ will undo every wrong and make everything new. That's the hope I rest in today. The chorus says:

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering, You hold me now, You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding, You hold me now, You hold me now

A New Season

There’s a season for everything under the sun, according to the Scriptures.

Lately, it has not been a season for blogging.

An explanation…

During this year, 2009, and especially during the past few months, I’ve barely blogged at all. There are multiple reasons for this. Most of them will sound like excuses, and let’s be honest, they probably are. I mean, over a three-month period, there should be at least a few minutes to quickly jot down some thoughts, share what I’m learning in life. It’s funny, though, how easy it is to let a blog go. Before long, it’s just a few MB of occupied space in the vast Internet, slowly getting further and further from current, drifting away into something that people will accidentally discover while looking for posts on how to use their odometer.

So, lest that happen, it’s time for me to blog or get off the pot. Using that metaphor implies something about the quality of my posts. Hmm.

In order to get things back up to speed, I’ve got to let you know what’s happened the past three months. In one post or less? Hardly. Actually, just this morning I was reading an article in Relevant Magazine that talked about how technology is destroying our ability to just sit and reflect, think, introspect, dream, etc. So instead of rushing through the many events of the past 3 months, I will devote several posts to it this week. Because a lot has happened, and it might be good for you to know about it. It’ll definitely be good for me to reflect on it.

8 Years

On Tuesday, Tracie and I celebrated our 8-year anniversary. Just before going to bed the night before -- it was actually about an hour into June 2nd -- I suddenly felt inspired to write something for Tracie, which I did while she slept. I didn't get a chance to read it to her until our anniversary was nearly over, as the clock approached June 3rd. But she loved it, and deemed it was "blog-worthy." So here it is: a sort of marriage parable. A marable. Enjoy...

Late one night I dreamed of my life as a great mountain whose peak was veiled. Each day I climbed higher, never seeing how close I was to the summit, always looking just ahead. I climbed on and on through the years of my life.

At one point I came upon a man resting beside the trail. The man was a mirror of myself, but several years older. And I sat beside him, and I said, "I am thus blessed to meet an older version of myself. Tell me, what are the next eight years of this climb going to bring me?"

He sat silent for a moment, still catching his breath. Then he said, "What would you have me tell you?"

"Is the journey hard?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but each step you take will reveal more strength."

"Will I lose my footing?"

"Yes," he answered. "Sometimes you will slip. It’s often hard to get up. You’ll feel hurt and weak and clumsy."

"Is it easy to keep to the path?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "The path sometimes shifts without warning. Sometimes you’ll wander without a path, and the going is slow. You will not end up where you expect, when you are as old as I am now."

I then asked, "Is there anything I can do to ready myself for this next leg of the climb?"

The older man answered, "It would be better for you to encounter the climb as it happens, though it will be hard at times."

I then grew silent for a long time, looking up and down the path, searching for my next question. Finally, I looked at him, and carefully inquired, "Is it worth it?"

He grinned at me, and with all the confidence of a boy at the edge of a diving board, he said, "Yes."

"Why? Why is it worth the pain, the uncertainty, the trial?"

"Because of the company you keep."

"Who will go with me?" I asked.

"One of your companions you have known for several years already. He will never leave you or forsake you, and He has prepared the path for you, and He will be there each step of the way," he answered.

"If He is with me, who else do I need?" I asked. "Why wouldn’t it be just Him and me?"

"Because He knows you so well, He has known that it is not good for you to feel alone. And so He will bring along another companion for you. And she will be the reason you climb. When she falls, you will help her up, and she you. When you are tired, she will be your strength, and vice versa. When you feel lost, you two will find the path together. When the future is uncertain, you both will pray for each other. You will climb for her sake. Each step you take will be for her to take another step herself. And in this way, you will climb through life together: you, and she, and your Savior.

"And each morning will be a new journey, walking through new beauty: beauty of your Lord, and beauty of the mountain, and beauty of your bride. She will be more than enough reason to take another step, and it will never be enough to stop climbing. You will ever long to climb together until someday you reach the apex, and look back over the journey with peace and joy overflowing."

Then I smiled in the expectation of what was to come. "Let the journey begin, then. I will walk with my God and with my bride all the days of my life."

"And you shall," the older me answered.

And so, rested and refreshed from my reflection, I took my wife’s hand, and we continued, together, to follow our Savior in the climb.